Humour Imported From Epistula stories

Let me tell you a story

This is Bob’s fault


The kingdom was in ruins. Count Jim “Twee” Moriarty had suceeded, quite literally in fact when he stormed the castle, proclaimed himself king, and sat down to do some ruling on the great Royal Throne of Albian. The Throne, beyond all other things in the Kingdom, was the symbol of the monachy. It was big. It was stone. It was really, really uncomforable, and it was in the castle.

In a village not far from the castle, the usurped king sat and bewailed his lot. When the Count and his army of golden giants had stormed the castle, he had only just managed to get away with his life, a few of his household, and a few knights. He must, he decided, get his kingdom back. They would wait until early morning, when the giants guarding the castle were sleeping, sneak in and steal the Amulet of Yendor, which enabled the Count to control the Giants. They began walking at dusk, and reached the castle just before dawn, his tired staff in tow. They would storm the castle, and they’d do it all with a few sleepless knights.


The first hurdle to be cleared was getting into the castle. The gate was guarded by a Golden Giant, who was fortunatly asleep as was planned. Unfortunatly for the King, it was asleep with one giant hand completely blocking the gate of the castle.
“No Problem” said a knight in black armour, and cast a spell to summon wind and rain to drive the giant away (He was a dark and stormy knight), but this didn’t work, and he was swept up by the Giant and thrown several miles into a handy bed of candyfloss. The second fighter attacked with a large lump of wood, but alas the knight-club didn’t work, and he too was thrown. One after another the knights tried, and all but one failed. The final knight was an expert in getting into castles (He was a fort knight) and suggested that they waited a while. Sure enough, the giant fell asleep again with his hand over the door, but this time the King – at the knights suggestion – sent a couple of his Pages though, who were able to fit though the gaps around the Golden Giant’s hand and into the castle, where they opened the back door for the King and company to march though.

Which all goes to show, said the knight, that you should always let your pages do the walking with the yellow fingers.


When they got to the throne room, they found it was gone. Not the throne room, but the throne. The Count had heard the fighting by the gate, and had ordered a couple of his giants to lift it and take it, and as the king looked out of the window he could see the giants carrying the chair – and the Count in it – towards a village in the north. The King gave chase.

A couple of hours later, the King and his supporters arrived at the village. The residents of the village, who didn’t want any trouble – pointed to a straw house towards the south. The King went inside and demanded to see the Count “He isn’t here” the owner said “He’s not here”, and indeed he seemed not to be lying, since there was nowhere in the small straw cottage to hide the massive throne. But then, with a crack, the ceiling of the cottage gave way and the throne crashed to earth, crushing the cottage owner.

Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.


The Count leapt up from the throne and ordered his Golden Giants – who were hiding around the back – to attack, but the king snatched the Amulet off the count and wore it himself while the Knight caught hold of the Count. “You are accused of High Treason” said the King “The sentance is death”.

They dragged the count outside and tied him to a rock with his head over a treestump, and the Knight raised the Cottage’s wood-axe over his – the count’s – head.

“But!” said the King, “You may live if you tell me where you hid the royal treasury”.
“Never!” said the count “I’ll never speak”
“Right.” said the King, and nodded to the Knight, who swung the axe again.
“NO! WAIT! I’ll tell! I’ll Te…” began the count.
thunk concluded the axe.
“Bother” said the King.

Which just goes to show that you should never hatchet your counts before they chicken.


Imported From Epistula MotW

Music to collect magic mushrooms to

So, what’s the most twisted remix we could put up here? The garage remix of the Ski Sunday theme? 187 Lockdown? Smooth Criminal (Michael Jackson remixed with Alien Ant Farm version)


I’d say it was, fairly conclusivly, Nine Inch Nails – Closer

I probably should apologise for this.

Imported From Epistula MLP weblog

Sailor Jim has a livejournal.

That is, Sailor Jim Johnson has a livejournal.

That is, this Sailor Jim of ‘Boingy Boingy Boingy’ fame has a LiveJournal

One for the feeds list, then.

aqcom Design Imported From Epistula


Beware the bored designer.

More functionality may be coming soonish, but I quite like this as it is…

Gaming Imported From Epistula Projects

Nomicality Redux

So, with little fanfare and a couple of outstanding bugs, the Nomic Rules Management system for the new Nomic game (Which is still open, btw) has gone live.

Technically, it’s a marval. Well, It has marvelosity. Technically it’s a malted hot drink then. (And with that, we begin the descent into anarchic britiocentric referencing, for which we apologise).

Okay, so this post is split into two parts, Nomic the Game, and Nomic Rule Manager 1.0. With this duet of games and geekness, I forsee that I’ll be able to totally alienate both halves of my readership at once with no unplesant verbal bending.

Nomic, Then.

Nomic is a metagame. It was invented by Peter Suber as an anology of law making. Basically, it’s a game in which there are no – or very few – rules to start with, but the ability to create new rules is in the rules. More information can be found on NomicNet, more specifically in the NomicWiki. My personal set of starting rules is derived from Peter Suber’s set, with a number of differences, mostly involved in playing it online instead of in person (In person, I prefer The Chairman’s Game) and doing away with all of the inital winning conditions so we can define our own.

Nomic Rules Manager is a simple rules manager for Nomic. It’s written in PHP, backends onto a database, and has an RSS (And ESF) feed. Yay. Code is Here

Imported From Epistula media

We wants… a training day!

Arrrr! Ahoy and avast me wenches and scurvy sea-dogs, In true pirate style, I’m publishing MP3s that aren’t mine. In this case, it’s both relivant and something everyone should hear at least once.

The Million Pound Radio – Pirate Training Days

(This was a link, but it doesn’t work anymore because I’ve lost access to the hosting, and I lost the MP3 in a hard-drive crash. Sorry folks)

Imported From Epistula social

Hey, you. Godless Barbarian

So, according to the Office of National Statistics:

About sixteen per cent of the UK population stated that they had no religion. This category included agnostics, atheists, heathens and those who wrote Jedi Knight.
Office of National Statistics 2001 Religon Statistics

Note: “agnostics, atheists, heathens and those who wrote Jedi Knight” heathens don’t exist. This irritates me, esspecially since I’m at a pagen wedding next week, it annoys me that the ONS are quite so dismissive.

Imported From Epistula MLP

Avast conspiracy

Avast, landlubbers, for today be Talk like a pirate day, where rules be made that pirates always speaks in the present tense, says “Avast” lots, and refers to any females in the vacinity as “Wench”.

Then ducks. Quickly.

All punishments must be refered to as ‘Keelhauling’, money is ‘Booty’ etc.

Normal service will be resumed soon. Ish.


aqcom Imported From Epistula Projects

Years Ago

Exactly one year ago, I was Hacking Winamp and eating Pizza in Cambridge. Exactly two years ago, I discovered I wasn’t the complete and total fuckup I thought I was and passed Uni, Three years ago #eddings suffered another falling apart thing, and four years ago I was mildly looking into the idea of getting one of these “Domain” thingies.

Today, I hacked RSS support into the Great Mysterious Work Project, hacked AqWiki calendar support a bit more (Code reuse in action. The calendar generator in AqWiki is mostly the same as the one that generates the Epistula archives, which was lifted from the NSD archives, which in turn was originally coded for the first draft of Project Nomical) and left work in Kings Cross at 18:00

I got home at twenty to nine. Train was delayed an hour whilst not one, but two trains were broken down in front of it. Gah.

aqcom Aquaintances Imported From Epistula


Some modifications to my blogroll system. The old blogroll was hopelessly out of date. The new one (Which you can get by clicking “Toggle Blogroll” on the front page, right side) is generated on the fly from Aquaintances’ list of subscribed blogs (Actually, from the ‘ukblogs’, ‘geek’ and ‘people’ categories of it. Aquaintances is, as you may remember, my personal RSS reader).

This required something of a rewrite of Aquaintances’ file format (So that it stores the URL of the website as well), which means that the new version will break old configs. Not that anyone beyond me and LoneCat are using it, but hey. When I’ve done the two outstanding major fixes (Supporting last-modified (it does ETags, but not L-M) I’ll give it a proper release, until then the code lives online in The Projects Section

The new Blogroll doesn’t currently support the few websites I read that don’t do RSS (Anna Pickard, Melissa, Murky, Kieron, Adrian, LondonMark & Andrew Swann), of which I will continue on my occasional quest to get Mark & Adrian to use something better, probably design a screen-scraper for Murky’s, hope Blogger gives RSS to free users for the rest 🙂