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Thanks to DGenerateX for this one

There isn’t a hope in heaven that this is a true story but it made me
laugh.I know you are all sensitive souls so be careful there’s vulgarities
in this. Enjoy.
Love, Mich

This is a real letter which somebody posted to the Taxation office in
IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years. This is
allegedto be the actual text of a letter received by the revenue
Commissioners from a Co. Longford, farmer in reply to an income tax demand
Dear Sirs, Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it
would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a
melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the
account would have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why
it hadn’t. Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit.

In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, manure spreader, two horses,
a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn
thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of
the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother
who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry
one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had
to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be
castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the
Shannon and the bloody boat overturned,drowning two of my sons, neither
being the fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and
dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish
priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with
new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married
her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to
qualify for more children’s allowance). I went to see the doctor. He
advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I
brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned
out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shit the
bed, I ruptured myself, and the
next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best
dairy cow and killed the fucking knackerer who was in the hay loft with my
daughter trying to get more money outof me, which he did because I had to
pay for the fucker’s funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the
water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and
did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder.
Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a
bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded
and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land
inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a
poisoned rabbit. I had put down four dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don’t
pay up. If you can think of anything I’ve missed I should like to know
about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter
up a hedgehog’s hole with a red hot needle. I’m praying for a cloud of
cat’s shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the
bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
Yours for more credit
John Murphy

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