Aquarion dials 333.

Hi, welcome to three’s customer service. If you have a monthly contract, pr*beep*
For a long wait, followed by disconnection, press one.
For a shorter wait, but still disconnection, press two.
For a list of numbers, count to ten.
To be put on hold until we’ve had our coffee, press three.
To hear these numbers again, call back and listen to them again.
*beep*

*Hold*

Hello, you’re though to customer service, how can I help you?

I’d like to generate my PUK code and cancel my contract, please.

Are you calling from the phone you wish to cancel?

Yes

array_keys(@DETAILS)?

array_values(@DETAILS).

Right, I’m going to put you though to the Customer Options team, who will attempt to talk you out of leaving us.

*hold*

(The hold music consists of Britney Spears and Dido. Presumably to convince you this isn’t really worth the terror)

Hello, you’re though to customer service^Woptions, how can I help you?

I’d like to generate my PUK code and cancel my contract, please.

Are you calling from the phone you wish to cancel?

Yes

array_keys(@DETAILS)?

array_values(@DETAILS).

Can I ask why you wish to cancel?

Your service is useless to me.

Sorry?

from Aquarionics import “Bye Three Get One Too”

Oh, okay. We are currently offering half price line rental and a top of the line Nokia handset to people who renew our service. Would you be interested in that?

… … No.

Right. A colleege will contact you in 48 hours with your PUK code.

*48 hours later*

*Nothing happens*

*Another 48 Hours*

*Terrible movie*

*Aquarion phones Three*

Hi, welcome to three’s cust*beep*
Hi, welcome to three’s customer service. If you have a monthly contract, pr*beep*
For a long wait, followed by disconn*beep*

*hold*

Hello, you’re though to customer service, how can I help you?

I asked for a PUK code a few days ago, and I wish to collect it.

Are you calling from the phone you wish to cancel?

Yes

array_keys(@DETAILS)?

array_values(@DETAILS).

Right, I’m going to put you though to the Customer Options team, who will attempt to talk you out of leaving us.

*hold*

Hello, you’re though to customer service^Woptions, how can I help you?

I asked for a PUK code a few days ago, and I wish to collect it.

$PUKCODE

*PUKS OFF*

*Aquarion phones Vodafone (We’ve skipped the first four attempts at this)*

Hi, welcome to vodafone customer disservice.
To speak to a person who doesn’t understand the concept of transfering numbers, try once.
If you’ve tried that, and wish to be put though to someone who will transfer you to a number that is no longer in service, try twice.
To be put though to static, try thrice.
To be put though to someone who appears to be from the right department, and then be put on hold for ten minutes until you run out of lunchhour, try four times.
To finally be put though to someone who can’t really help, try just before you start researching Tac-Nuke prices on eBay.

*rings*

Hi, I’ve got a PUC code from my old provider and would like to transfer my old number to my new Vodafone account.

Okay, what is the PUC code?

$PUKCODE

*puts me on hold*

Okay, Apparently, you’ve already been issued a number for your current phone. We can’t transfer a number to a phone that already has an assigned number.

That wasn’t a problem last time.

We can’t do that.

So what do I do?

Did it come from Phones4U?

Yes

Then you have to go back to them within 14 days of the purchase and do the same deal but with the PUK code instead of the new number.

But this didn’t happen last time!

Sorry sir.

You realise I shot the last person from a mobile support line who gave me bad news?

Oh dear, sir.

It’s become a tradition.

Please don’t, sir.

*bang*

A new, identical phone-drone appears.

Ouch. That hurt. And, you’ll note, violence didn’t solve anything.

Made me feel better, though. I can’t _get_ back to Phones4U without taking another afternoon off, and I’m running out of days.

Won’t P4U help over the phone?

No. I phoned them and asked.

But you’ve been on the phone to me all this time!

Don’t poke holes in a perfectly good dialogue.

Sorry sir. So what are you going to do?

Take an afternoon off, I suppose, or work from home next Thursday and do it at lunchtime.

Mobile phone companies suck.

Surely you’re not supposed to say that?

Surely I’ve evolved beyond the straightjacketed phone-drone role by now?

Get back into stereotype, fool. And don’t call me Shirley!

You started it. And that’s a terrible and overused joke.

Oh shut up.

——-

I’ve configured my powerbook to play funky music when it loses access to the network.

It really puts the “Disco” back into “Disconnection”