I’m told this used to be the standard announcement, or variations on it, on Alaska Air. I nicked it from Ed Davis via Dive into Mark, who is, apparently, back.

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If youre going to San Francisco, youre in the right place. If youre not going to San Francisco, youre about to have a really long evening.

Wed like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the planes rear end. If youre seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, youll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag wont inflate, but theres oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when Im having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, its a pulley thing – not a pushy thing like your car because youre in an airplane. HELLO !!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ..
Hold on, let me check what it is

Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and its going to get really dark, really fast. If youre afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please dont press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

Were glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business
and your money. If theres anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please dont hesitate to ask.

If you all werent strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldnt you?

After landing Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. Its not the captains fault. Its not the co-pilots fault. Its the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please dont even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens!!