The Aquarionic guide to the galaxy has a lot to say on the subject of avoiding your life.

It suggests a number of alternatives to life, including alcohol, cookery and drugs. But perhaps the strangest suggestion is the final one. It is Jetwashing.

There is an art, or a knack to Jet-washing. Pick a nice day, it suggests, and try it. The first thing any aspiring Jet-washer requires is the pressure-hose itself, which can be purchased from any large garden centre, or hired. You then connect said impliment to the water – and the higher-pressure your taps are, the better this will work – and the mains, taking great care not to put the extension reel you will undoubtably need at anything less than the full extension the flex from the Jet-Washer will allow.

Then, turn your Jet washer into On mode, and find something to shoot.

Patios are ideal, for a Jet will extract any weeds from the crack, and also bring your patio to a Just-Laid Shine you never suspected it capable off. Beware of blasting the cement from between the slabs, as this will attract weeds later on. Alternativly, Jet-Wash away the cement between the slabs, leaving it free for weeds to grow and thus giving you more excuses to send them into a Jet-Wash induced early death.

Use it to clean the tops of conservetories. Use it to clean windows, doors, walls, sheds and gardening equipment. Do not, under any circumstances, use it to clean anything that can feel pain. This includes, but is not limited to, Cats, Dogs, Birds, Children and especially (and this is important) Feet and Hands.

But the best use of a Jet Wash is not any of these things, but is a chore with far more scope for artistic expression and attention to detail. It is to use the Jet Wash to remove the varnish from a fence-post so it will accept paint more readily.

Before you set out upon this mission, you must have the following supplies in a safe and water-tight location: A towel (For a good Jet Washer always knows where his towel is), A Spare Set Of Clothes (Jet Wash may contain traces of water), A Range Of Alternative Nozzles for Jet Wash (For those painstaking little areas).

Removing the varnish is not your average operation. The ideal Nozzle to start with is the “Knife”-like straight edge, giving you a chisel effect that will clean the fence in neat rows. Also on hand you should have the “Light Spray” nozzle, for use upon any person who stands behind the working JetWasher and offers “Useful Advice” on how best to execute the operation. Temptation to point the normal blast at them should be avoided, however deserved.

For optimal enjoyment and relaxation, create images with the jet-wash. Greyscales can be acomplished by moving the jet closer to or further away from the target, You may find the straight hose – bereft of affecting nozzles – closer to optimal for fine control.

Properly done, a single six-by-five fence panel could keep you occupied and distracted from your homelessness for up to three hours, after which you will be exceedingly wet.

Happy Jet Washing, See you tomorrow night, or possibly later.