Aquarion: My mobile is broken. It doesn’t charge. Let us go fix it. Mr Mobile Phone Contract Company?
Singlepoint: Hello, Yes?
Aquarion: My phone is broken, it’s only nine months old, it’s under warranty, Fix.
Singlepoint: Well, you can either give it to us, and it’ll take about four weeks, or you can take it to the local Nokia Repair Shop in $FOO and get it repaired.
Aquarion: Where is $FOO?
Singlepoint: @DIRECTIONS, but you’ll have to be registered with Club Nokia’s web site.
Aquarion: Thank you. *leaves*
Aquarion: *casts summon web site*
Club Nokia: Can I help you?
Aquarion: Sure can, I’d like to register with you.
Club Nokia: ‘kay. Name?
Club Nokia: @FORM = getDetails(@DETAIL_REQUEST)
Aquarion: return @DETAILS.
Club Nokia: Serial Number? (Type “*#60#” on your phone to retrieve this)
Aquarion: But my phone isn’t working, is it on the box?
Phone Box: Nope.
*FX: Aquarion gets a JOB and a LIFE, and doesn’t have TIME for all this FARTING AROUND*
*FX: A small phone shop opens about 20 seconds from his house*
Aquarion: Good Afternoon, My phone is borked, can you help?
*FX: As if by magic, a shopkeeper appeared*
Shopkeeper: Sure. Lets try a new battery.
The new battery WORKS PERFECTLY.
Shopkeeper: But you might be able to get that on warranty, ask you contractor.
Otherwise I’ll sell this battery to you with a discount.
Aquarion: Sorry for wasting your time. I may be back.
Aquarion: Battery Borked. Warranty. Replaced.
Singlepoint: Handset out of production, no batteries, can’t replace.
Singlepoint: I’ll check to see if you are qualified for a handset upgrade.
Singlepoint: Nope. You can’t a replacement ’till January.
Aquarion: So how do I get this repaired?
Singlepoint: Talk to Nokia repairs?
Aquarion: Okay, so can I get a new handset?
Singlepoint: Not without a new contract.
Aquarion: Can I keep my old number if I do that?
Singlepoint: *shakes head*
Aquarion: Sod that then. Goodbye.
Shopkeeper: 19.99 please.
Aquarion: Thank you.
Aquarion goes HOME. plugs in MOBILE with new BATTERY.
phone FAILS to CHARGE.
*FX: a terraced house in South Cambridge. Screams come from from within. Pull back to full view of Cambridge, screams still audible*