I’ve screwed up.

Again.

This was a realisation on Saturday Morning. I’ve mucked up my life – again. I’m unemployed, although no longer unemployable, and I’ve spent the last four months wallowing in self pity whilst pretending to be doing freelance work.

In that time I have been paid once for one evening of fixing computers. And whilst I have several projects on the go, my ability to get paid and be able to spend the money on, for example, getting out of this dead-horse town is reliant upon other people buying publishers, or needing contractors, or, basically, giving me things to do.

And I have absolutly no idea how the hell to do what I’m doing. To be Freelance, and survive. And so, as of tomorrow morning, Aquarionic Designs will cease trading as a web design company. Not that that will make any differance at all to my daily life, but it means that I’ve finally realized the important thing about all this that I have been blinding myself to since June:

I’m incapable of doing what I actually want to do, so I’m going to have to find a company who will pay me to do something else.

Thus has my entire future been changed away from what I wanted to be. This idea depressed me, and so I went to a meet I couldn’t afford anyway, and then had to spend double the amount I expected to pay because my last train from Nottingham was delayed past the point I could have got all the way home with it. But I saw people, geeked, planned, aquired a Printer and lots of Salty Liquorice (Thanks Supermouse), as well as the lending of The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, as well as Robin Hobb’s new book, and a CD (Thanks Ccooke). Now I have to work out how to get to Cambs for the Posiemeet.

And then back to Bath to see lonecat again.