Categories
afe Humour Imported From Epistula

Boardom

[15:07] {Mandorallen} bored
[15:22] {Aquarion} Have a tap.
[15:22] {Aquarion} And a potato
[15:24] {Aquarion} Now you can be chip-bored and water-bored.
[15:24] {Stephen} DIE!
[15:24] {Aquarion} no 🙂

[15:31] * Khendon chops Mandorallen in half
[15:32] {Mandorallen} Oi!
[15:33] {Mandorallen} whyfor?
[15:33] {Khendon} So you won’t be providing lunch
[15:33] * Khendon puts Mandorallen back together and multiplies him by twenty
[15:33] {Mandorallen} eh?
[15:34] {Khendon} I was running with Aquarion’s joke
[15:34] {Mandorallen} oh
[15:35] {Aquarion} half board
[15:35] {Khendon} Yeah. And…?
[15:35] {Khendon} The second one is less obscure, really
[15:36] {Aquarion} Can’t see the second one at all
[15:36] {Khendon} “Scoreboard”
[15:36] {Aquarion} Ahh

[15:35] {Aquarion} Could be worse, could have sent him around a running track
[15:37] {Khendon} Lapboard? I’m not sure what one of those is, but it probably exists.
[15:37] {Aquarion} Circuit Board.
[15:38] {Khendon} Ahhh

[15:42] * Khendon moves him to the right-hand side
[15:42] {Aquarion} rightboard?
[15:42] {Khendon} Starboard!
[15:42] {Aquarion} Ahh
[15:43] * Mandorallen cries
[15:43] {Khendon} He ought to be invoiced for all these puns
[15:43] * Aquarion folds him into a paper plane, and throws him though the window
[15:44] {Khendon} (billboard!)
[15:44] {Khendon} No, can’t get that one 🙂
[15:45] {Khendon} Flyboard?
[15:45] {Khendon} Isn’t “board” a funny looking word?
[15:45] {Aquarion} (Dart-bored and out-bored)
[15:46] {Khendon} Ahh, clever

[15:46] * Khendon dresses him up in women’s clothing and hits him with a whip
[15:47] {Khendon} Hm, the first one there isn’t quite right
[15:47] {Khendon} (“Skirting board”)
[15:47] {Aquarion} Ahh
[15:48] {Aquarion} I’d have put him in a kilt for that 🙂
[15:48] {Khendon} Better, yeah 🙂
[15:48] {Khendon} The second was switchboard, btw
[15:48] {Aquarion} Heh 🙂
[15:50] {Aquarion} I think I’ve run out. Last one I could think of is “peg board” or possibly painting him green and launching him into the sky, but both are scraping the barrel slightly
[15:50] {Aquarion} (Thunderbored two, obviously)

[15:52] {Khendon} We could make him run quickly
[15:53] {Aquarion} Sprintboard?
[15:53] {Khendon} Dashboard
[15:53] {Khendon} Ooh, or make him indecisively between two countries (more complex, this one)
[15:53] {itagne} Make him do what indecisively? 🙂
[15:54] {Aquarion} immigration bored?
[15:54] {Khendon} make him be indecisively between two countries
[15:54] {Senji} Diplomacy board?
[15:54] {Khendon} “Board, err”
[15:54] {Aquarion} Argh
[15:54] {itagne} Euw. 🙂
[15:54] * Senji throws rotted fruit at Khendon

[15:54] {Aquarion} Or we could give him complete control over a market
[15:54] {Khendon} Monopoly board
[15:55] {itagne} Or make him write a book comparing small boarding-houses.
[15:56] {Khendon} ?
[15:56] {itagne} Pensions review board. 🙂
[15:57] {Khendon} Put him in an underwater boat!
[15:57] {Khendon} (Getting very tenuous now 🙂
[15:57] {itagne} No, don’t see it. 🙂
[15:57] {itagne} Man overboard? :p
[15:57] {Khendon} In-sub-bored-inate
[15:57] {itagne} Oh dear. 🙂

Categories
Humour Imported From Epistula

Crime iiiiiis horrible

Bill Hicks on Hooligans

(3.36mb MP3 file. Warning, Contains Language)

Bill Hicks died 10 years ago today.

Categories
Humour Imported From Epistula programming

Best Joke Ever

What do you call a man in sandals?

Phillip Flop.

Today, I’ve been taught how wonderful Java is, how it runs perfectly on Solaris, and how it should backend onto Oracle.

You see, whilst all the interesting people get to go to eTech, I’ve spent today (and will spend tomorrow) at the Sun Tech Day here in Sunny (did you see what I did there?) London.

Yay.

Categories
Humour Imported From Epistula

In The News

Lord Archer is once again under arrest, this time for sharing CDs with Baroness Thatcher.

He’s been accused of operating an illegal peer to peer network.

A man with a split-personality lost his transportation yesterday when somebody stole his bi-psyche lock.

Categories
Christmas Humour Imported From Epistula

Antichristmas

A man was walking though a town in mid-december when he saw a sign on a pub door, which read:

Not taking Christmas bookings. This pub is a Christmas Free Zone”

He walked in, and said to the barman:
“Don’t you think you should get into the Christmas Spirit?”
“I leave that to my customers. Mostly they go for the scotch, though”
“I mean, shouldn’t you be celebrating the Season?”
“Not really. See this bar?” the barman knocked on the surface in front of him. “Touch it”
The man did.
“It’s all sticky” he said, unsuprised. This was a pub, after all.
“Lick it” said the barman
“I’d rather not”
“Don’t worry, it’s safe”
The man did.
“Mmmmm.” he said. “Minty. What is it?”
The barman leant on the black and white striped surface in front of him.

“Bar Humbug” he said.

Categories
Humour Imported From Epistula Photography

Guaranteed

Categories
Humour Imported From Epistula

Bob and the Church

God was watching Bob.

Bob was painting a church.

The church was a poor church in a village of rich people, it had enough money to buy a single – though large – tin of paint. Large though the tin of paint was it wasn’t nearly enough to paint an entire church with, so Bob found some paint thinner and poured it in, and began to paint the church.

And God watched Bob, and Bob painted the church.

And after a while, Bob realised that there was no way that even this thinned paint was going to paint the entire church, so he bought some more paint thinner, and tipped it in. The paint didn’t get nearly the ammount of coverage that it did a little while ago, but Bob resolved that he could always do two coats.

Bob wasn’t really very bright.

And God watched Bob, and Bob painted the church.

After doing a bit more, Bob discovered that once again he was going to run out of paint, and so once again he wandered off to the hardware store, and once again he added more thinner to the paint.

At this point Bob was more washing the church than painting it, but still.

God watched Bob, and Bob washed the church.

Another hour passed, and Bob realised he was going to run out of paint again, so turned to go back into town to pick up some more thinner. God finally decided that enough was enough, and with a crash of thunder in an otherwise cloudless sky created a huge pyramid of tins for Bob to redo the church.

“Repaint!” declaimed God, “And thin no more!”

Categories
Humour Imported From Epistula stories

Let me tell you a story

This is Bob’s fault

I

The kingdom was in ruins. Count Jim “Twee” Moriarty had suceeded, quite literally in fact when he stormed the castle, proclaimed himself king, and sat down to do some ruling on the great Royal Throne of Albian. The Throne, beyond all other things in the Kingdom, was the symbol of the monachy. It was big. It was stone. It was really, really uncomforable, and it was in the castle.

In a village not far from the castle, the usurped king sat and bewailed his lot. When the Count and his army of golden giants had stormed the castle, he had only just managed to get away with his life, a few of his household, and a few knights. He must, he decided, get his kingdom back. They would wait until early morning, when the giants guarding the castle were sleeping, sneak in and steal the Amulet of Yendor, which enabled the Count to control the Giants. They began walking at dusk, and reached the castle just before dawn, his tired staff in tow. They would storm the castle, and they’d do it all with a few sleepless knights.

II

The first hurdle to be cleared was getting into the castle. The gate was guarded by a Golden Giant, who was fortunatly asleep as was planned. Unfortunatly for the King, it was asleep with one giant hand completely blocking the gate of the castle.
“No Problem” said a knight in black armour, and cast a spell to summon wind and rain to drive the giant away (He was a dark and stormy knight), but this didn’t work, and he was swept up by the Giant and thrown several miles into a handy bed of candyfloss. The second fighter attacked with a large lump of wood, but alas the knight-club didn’t work, and he too was thrown. One after another the knights tried, and all but one failed. The final knight was an expert in getting into castles (He was a fort knight) and suggested that they waited a while. Sure enough, the giant fell asleep again with his hand over the door, but this time the King – at the knights suggestion – sent a couple of his Pages though, who were able to fit though the gaps around the Golden Giant’s hand and into the castle, where they opened the back door for the King and company to march though.

Which all goes to show, said the knight, that you should always let your pages do the walking with the yellow fingers.

III

When they got to the throne room, they found it was gone. Not the throne room, but the throne. The Count had heard the fighting by the gate, and had ordered a couple of his giants to lift it and take it, and as the king looked out of the window he could see the giants carrying the chair – and the Count in it – towards a village in the north. The King gave chase.

A couple of hours later, the King and his supporters arrived at the village. The residents of the village, who didn’t want any trouble – pointed to a straw house towards the south. The King went inside and demanded to see the Count “He isn’t here” the owner said “He’s not here”, and indeed he seemed not to be lying, since there was nowhere in the small straw cottage to hide the massive throne. But then, with a crack, the ceiling of the cottage gave way and the throne crashed to earth, crushing the cottage owner.

Which just goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

IV

The Count leapt up from the throne and ordered his Golden Giants – who were hiding around the back – to attack, but the king snatched the Amulet off the count and wore it himself while the Knight caught hold of the Count. “You are accused of High Treason” said the King “The sentance is death”.

They dragged the count outside and tied him to a rock with his head over a treestump, and the Knight raised the Cottage’s wood-axe over his – the count’s – head.

“But!” said the King, “You may live if you tell me where you hid the royal treasury”.
“Never!” said the count “I’ll never speak”
“Right.” said the King, and nodded to the Knight, who swung the axe again.
“NO! WAIT! I’ll tell! I’ll Te…” began the count.
thunk concluded the axe.
“Bother” said the King.

Which just goes to show that you should never hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Fin.

Categories
Humour Imported From Epistula

Fork Lift Safety

So, today I watched a video on Fork Lift Safety. The soundtrack is in german, yet somehow it doesn’t matter. Everyone who can view WMV files should see this.

Fork Lift Safety

(Warning, contains traces of laughing at the amusement and decapitation of others)