There is a Very Loud Noise. Someone is driving a piledriver though your skull. There is a tribe of pigmy gnomes playing “Smooth Criminal” using your head as a xylophone. Good morning player, you have scored 0 out of a maximum 120 points for today.

> Look

It is dark. There is no light. There is a loud noise.

> Open eyes

It is not dark. There is too much light. Your eyes are pierced on the rays of the sun like vision-kebabs. There is a loud noise.

[Bedroom. From the bed]

You are in a very bright room, domainated by an unmade bed which you are laying on, and partially in. To your left is an ALARM CLOCK on a table.

> Turn off alarm clock

The ALARM CLOCK is not ringing.

> Up

[Bedroom]

You are in a very bright room, domainated by an unmade bed. On a table is an ALARM CLOCK. Beside the bed is a PILE OF CLOTHES. The PILE OF CLOTHES is making a loud noise.

> Pick up clothes

You are holding the CLOTHES

> Wear clothes

You are wearing the CLOTHES. You have: a set of KEYS, an IPHONE, a WALLET and NO TEA. The IPHONE is making a loud noise.

> Examine iPhone.

7th July: iSmash by scribbletaylor, on Flickr/a

7th July: iSmash by scribbletaylor, on Flickr

The IPHONE is alarming. These are the reasons it is alarming: (a) It is making a loud noise in order to awaken you. (b) There is a spiderweb crack centred halfway down the left hand side, stretching across the entire screen.

> Silence iPhone.

The IPHONE is now 50% less alarming.

In that the IPHONE is still BROKEN.

> Go to Carphone Warehouse

You are in a shop. There are laminate wooden floors, lots of technology, and a HELPFUL PERSON.

> Show iPhone to Helpful Person

“Am I supposed to be impressed?”

> Give give iPhone to Helpful Person

You give the HELPFUL PERSON the IPHONE.

The HELPFUL PERSON gives you a THREE WEEK TIMESCALE TO GET YOUR PHONE FIXED and YOUR SIM.

You have YOUR SIM. NO IPHONE, NO TEA and DISAPPOINTMENT.

> Wait

Time passes. The Helpful Person gives you a replacement PHONE.

> Examine phone

It’s got fifteen buttons, a small screen, and is brown and beige. It is not an IPHONE.

> 🙁

Well, you shouldn’t have broken it then.

> Wait.

Time passes. The Helpful Person sits down and sings about gold.

> Wait for three weeks.

Time passes slowly without an iPhone. The colour is removed from your world. You have no games to play, no internet to muck around on, even twitter loses its shine. Your world is a drab place, you are looking at your shoes. What do you do?

> I press the button again.

No! Forget about the button, you are looking at your shoes.

> I buy a new pair of… hang on, this is the wrong sketch. Also, I’ve borrowed an N95 from Ciaran, so I do have internet and twitter.

You have NO IPHONE.

> Noted.

The HELPFUL PERSON gives you a replacement iPhone.

> Install Sim

You install the Sim. You have an iPhone again.

> Turn on iPhone, listen to music.

The IPHONE won’t work until you connect it to ITUNES.

> How long until I can go home?

FIVE HOURS.

> Wait

You wait.

Time passes.