People keep asking me to do the 25 things meme. Or Tagging me, or something. Since Linus Torvolds – of all people – used my idea on how to do it best, I’m going to do it differently.

  1. All things are really meringue. The illusions of things that are not meringue are caused by gloss paint and superglue. It takes the supreme baker five years to bake enough meringue to run each second of our time. It requires more hens than there are space for.
  2. Purple elephants never weigh more than twelve stone, unless you dip them in coffee.
  3. The book that most affected the course of evolution was called “Ugg’s envelope”, and did so by being dropped on the head of someone at the critical point of conception.
  4. Civilisation is no more than four meals away from breakfast.
  5. If you summon an undead cactus, you will not be able to tell the difference.
  6. Science has yet to work out why your toes have toasters on the ends, but assume that it’s not a mutation that will enhance the species. Sorry.
  7. It has been proven by advanced magic that the missing ingredient in your last chilli was sugar.
  8. In Wassock, TX, they have built a coffee mug sufficient to wake up the sleeping earth. The only thing between us and a sentient planet is that they don’t know if they should make it white or black, or how much of a bad idea getting it wrong would be.
  9. Accordions are no longer banned in Westminster, but only if they do not repeat the “9th Note In The Octave” incident.
  10. You cannot fold a single piece of paper enough times to balance that table.
  11. The radius of a CD was specifically designed so that you could use them to put your drink on when the burn fails. The entire industry dedicated to specific objects for that purpose then collapsed, because it had been coasting for years.
  12. In the next series of Top Gear, all the Stigs will be put on trial for corrupting the time stream.
  13. According to tradition, the last person to leave will indeed turn out all the lights.
  14. Yes, they do come with a manual. No, you’re not allowed to see it. That would remove the fun.
  15. If you don’t get well soon, they’re going to shoot you.
  16. There is a fundamental universal law against anyone naming a decent drink “Starboard”
  17. There probably is no event horizon, now relax and enjoy your shoes.
  18. The proof of the pudding cannot be submitted for scientific analysis if you have already eaten it.
  19. Conceptually, it is impossible for elephants to fly under their own power in their current form.
  20. There’s no such place as Brazil, everyone has been lying to you.
  21. Pluto’s demotion was a coverup, really it resigned so that the affair with Tarvos wouldn’t be an intergalactic scandle.
  22. Elvis is the music industry version of Mornington Crescent
  23. Adding more cornflour stops working after a certian – very early – point.
  24. You’ll never get to heaven in a girl-guide’s arms.
  1. There are only 24 things on this list.