Month: May 2005

“Mr Bond?”
“James Bond, yes.”
“Good. I believe you have been sent here to retake your driving test.”
“Yes. As a result of a mass-conspiracy against me by forces within the government, my licence to drive was revoked”
“Less of a mass-conspiracy, I’m told. I believe you were photographed doing one hundred and eighty miles per hour?”
“I was in pursuit of terrorists.”
“So your report read. Said terrorists were apparently disguised as… an Ice Cream van. In any event, you were photographed doing six times the speed limit. Past a school”
“A school for terrori”
“In a tank, Mr Bond.”
“Yes.”
“A reasonable person might ask how you found a tank that was capable of doing that kind of speed. They may even ask how you managed to do so without destroying most of the cars also on the road. They may even ask how you failed to capture the ice-cream van at the end of it. However, being both aware of your extreme aptitude towards Macgyveresque inventiveness and having read the damages list placed against you, I will refrain.”
“A reasonable person might ask how come you are a driving instructor, instead of a criminal mastermind?”
“One precludes the other? But yes, Mr Bond. I was hired for four reasons. First, I already know you exist, and therefore am not any more of a security risk to MI5. Second, the pay is slightly better. You should see the risk bonus I get just for sitting in a car with you. Third, the cat’s life I save may be that of my own.”
“And fourth?”
“Revenge, Mr Bond. Humiliation and revenge. Now move off, taking note of all applicable signs and instruction…”

“Now. What do you think you did wrong there?”
“I think I forgot to indicate in advance of the last junction”
“Correct. Also?”
“I didn’t check my mirrors?”
“True. I was thinking more of the way you took an uninstructed sharp left – where no sharp left was on either the map or the road, I should point out – and careered down the mountainside narrowly missing trees (Which did detach the wing-mirrors, making your lack of check slightly more understandable) before joining the road below with a handbrake turn and immediately performing an uninstructed emergency stop on recognising that scant feet in front of us was an unmoving lorry”.
“You would have preferred I didn’t do the emergency stop?”
“I would have preferred we did not leave the initial road. I expect you have a good explanation?”
“There was a terrorist behind me.”
“For the last time, Mr Bond. Nuns on bicycles are not terrorists!”
“She was carrying a gun!”
“That was a bread stick. Now put what is left of the car in to neutral, restart the engine and return us back to the starting point, taking note of all possible hazards – with the exception of nuns – and reacting accordingly.”
“You expect me to talk?”
“No, Mr Bond. I expect you to drive.”