Don’t Stick Bits Of Your Body Into Old-Style Scanners A lesson for us all, there Harvested from usenet
Subject: Re: [F] DWCon - Convention Update
Date: Sat, 20 Jul 2002 15:45:22 +0100
On Fri, 19 Jul 2002 21:07:01 GMT, firstname.lastname@example.org (MP) wrote:
>On 19 Jul 2002 13:34:24 -0700, email@example.com (Discworld Convention
>I have a query: is it normal to want to attend every single session at
>the Con? I mean, every single one?
>If so, how do you do it? I haven't enough time to clone me several
There is a saying. It goes as follows:
"So many responses, so little time"
So, we have cutlery on the moterway, three possible directions.
Number One: The Harry Potter Reference.
Number Two: The Dr Who Reference.
Number Three: The one where I might actually have to work on a post.
*coin remains at apex of throw, spinning rapidly*
So, Heads for option one. Tails for option two, and anything else for
option three. (heh heh heh, this should be quick).
*coin begins to dramatically tumble to earth. it lands on the soft
*it turns into a small bowl of custard, accompanied with a very small
piece of rubarb crumble*
Okay, it's very simple.
As you enter the convention, to your left will be a person in a hat,
it is vitally important that you turn right, and walk into the first
event, then out, and right again into event two, at this junction take
the northeast exit to the event sign posted Woolpit, and then west
onto the hall of worlds, then right again to get onto the A25, from
then the room with the third event will be on your right, the forth on
your left when you take the fifth exit from the third room of the
third panel. Then enter the blue police box, and ask nicely to be
taken to a cafe where they serve nice tea, where you will meet a man
with a birdcage over his second head who will give you the telephone
number of an Islington flat where you will encounter an angel who will
give you a small ebony statue of the beast of London, and point you to
an exit where you will find yourself inside the next session. Take the
right exit from there to find yourself on the Watzaup Dock where you
can catch a barge up the slow river. In the saloon of the barge you
will find the next session, but be sure to leave early so you can play
the game of dice-dominos with the man from manchester who is in the
cabin. When the boat stops, you will find yourself on a landing place
inlaid alternately with hickory wood and wood from the d'cory tree
which doesn't grow on these shores. Proceed up the Hickory/D'Cory dock
until you see a rodent enter the chronometer, where you will find a
woman with a rabbit tattooed on her shoulder who will present you to
the next session. Keep following her until you reach the tunnel, then
drink the potion on the table (Taking the key first!) until you can
enter the door in the far wall. In the room beyond will the next
session, which you can attend. When you exit that room, find the
sandy-haired man with the big sword and the red-headed wife, and
follow them to the next session. Another left, another trip through
the hall of worlds (take the second door) kiss the blonde girl, but be
sure not to let her stab you with the pointy stick, and run north
until you get to the library where the next session is. Talk to the
red-head about riding people like ponys, and she will cast a spell
transferring you to another dimension. Again, beware of the pointy
sticks, but also note that you can dehydrate from excessive drooling
at the alternative version of the redhead. A swirling portal near the
nightclub will take you back to the convention carpark, where the next
session is, and then a man with long blonde hair in what appears to be
an inflatable time machine will take you back to your original
co-ordinates, and give you a hat.
Walk into the convention, turn left, and put on the hat. Wait for a
few minutes until you're sure you've already gone past, then spend the
next weekend trying to remember which sessions you attended already,
and then attend the ones you didn't.
The only mandatory one is the speculation panel.
Yours in total sincerity,
Aquarion "Spot the reference" De'blue
(Answers at <a href="http://www.aquarionics.com/afp/str.html">http://www.aquarionics.com/afp/str.html</a>)