pigeon attack by Velvet Marauder


‘World Cup Song’ by Mitch Benn
Possibly the only World Cup song I own. Also the most likely true one.


How To Poach An Egg

a) Go to land you don’t own.

b) Find an egg

c) Steal it

d) Get away.

How to cook a poached egg, or two:

No timers, just a sequence.

a) Add a small amount of water (about an inch) into the bottom of a moderate size saucepan, and start heating it.

b) Boil a kettle of water.

c) In theory, the kettle should finish boiling at about the time the stuff in the pan starts.

d) (Optional) Make tea/coffee with some of the kettle of water.

e) Add the rest of the boiling water to the saucepan.

f) (If you have vinegar – balsamic for preference – add a dash of that to the boiling water. It’ll make stuff easier later on)

g) Crack two eggs into the water, from as low a height as you can muster.

h) Put toast in the toaster, and start it.

i) When the toast pops up, remove the eggs from the water with a slotted spoon (Large spoon with holes in it) and onto a chopping board to dry a bit.

j) (Optional) Pour the tea

k) (Optional) butter the toast

l) Arrange the toast on top of a plate, and the eggs on top of the toast.

m) Enjoy.

This produces – for me – beautiful soft boiled poached eggs. To boil them harder, swap around g & h, add d between g & h, and/or do j & k and bits of l before you remove the eggs from the boiling water. There’s no real need to hurry any of this.

From a cookery/brain standpoint, I find that recipes without timers that are just sequences are a lot less stressful than attempting to make inexperienced/anxious cooks stay under a buzzer.