Category > AFP
The Usenet Group alt.fan.pratchett, and the collection of people that surround it
Matter
A Chat Log. From #AFDA
(15th Dec 1999)
(about 10 to 9)
(PM)
[Non-relivant bits cut)
Matter
Aquarion: Hello
ZZ9: what's up, Aquarion
Aquarion: Sky, Clouds
Aquarion: Does it matter? And even if it matters, does it matter if it
matters?
Aquarion: Does Matter matter? And even if Matter matters, does it
matter if Matter matters, or if Matter matters not?
Bbz: It doesn't. That's the easiest way of thinking about it. Or
rather of not thinking about it.
Aquarion: Everything matters
Aquarion: to someone
Bbz: Nothing Else Matters.
Aquarion: Apart From What?
Noser: Matter or matter not, matter is no matter. A matter a matter
keeps the matter away.
Noser: A matter in the matter is worth matter in the matter.
* Bbz is baffled.
* Noser likes this game.
Aquarion: And even if Matter matters, Who does Matter matter to? are
do the increase from the point where there was one item that mattered,
to two too many mattering items of Matter?
Noser: My matter's breath smells like cat food.
Aquarion: Does matter Matter to Matter itself? Is there some kind of
Meta-Matter that matters to Matter?
Noser: Meta-matter is like a box of matter.
Noser: Matter doesn't actually matt, does it though.
Aquarion: Does Matter care? Does Matter feel pain? Does it matter if
Meta-Matter matters only to matt?
Aquarion: And is Matt Matter? Does it matter if Matt is Matter? Is
Matt Meta-Matter?
Noser: Who's Matt? No matter, it doesn't matter.
Noser: Take it away Bbz!
Bbz: Come on! You know I can't be this silly.
Noser: What matter?
Aquarion: Is matt mad? and is Matt madder than meta-Matter. Does it
matter if Matt is madder than Matter? Is Meta-Matter madness?
Bbz: It doesn't matter anyway, I'm not going to try. Not that it
matters anyways.
Aquarion: But does it matter?
Marvin: Even if it does matter, does it matter that it matters?
Aquarion: blast. I was going to say that. But does it matter who said
it?
Bbz: What's this Meta-Matter madness? Does it matter that it's
madness? Or Meta-madness?
Noser: My aunt Matt collects anti-matter?
Aquarion: Is there a Meta-Madness that manafests itself in Matter?
Does it matter? Has Matt fallen prey to this Meta-Madness?
Bbz: But do you have an anti-aunt anti-Matt who collects matter?
Noser: No, she collects ants.
Aquarion: Or is it an Anti-aunt who collects Mad Meta-Matter?
Noser: It's a matterhouse! A MATTERHOUSE!!!
Aquarion: But does it matter that this is a matterhouse?
Aquarion: and even if it matters, does it matter that it matters?
Bbz: Meta-aunt-Matt-Maddness-matter.
*** Joins: Rasher (jfh@t3o106p110.telia.com )
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Rasher
Bbz: High!
Aquarion: Anti-aunt-Matt-Maddness-matter.
Noser: Hey Rasher, join in the matter-rich matter madness!
Rasher: Which is?
Noser: Doesn't matter.
Bath Time
A report, and diary entry, by Nicholas 'Aquarion' Avenell. Moron, of the order of St. Astrid.
Well, That sucked.
Went to Bath.
This sums up, in three words, four hours of travel, decided completely
on a whim at 11 O'clock in the morning. I decided that since it wasn't
every day that RR was in the country, I should be there.
Life began to suck as soon as I got to the station just in time to see
my train leave. Caught the next one - 15 minutes later - to London,
Charing Cross -> Waterloo -> Bath Spa.
Where I arrived exactly 15 minutes late.
So the people I was looking for had left. Yay. Rah. And other
expressions of sarcastic joy. Together with someone else in the same
situation, we wandered around Bath until, quite by accident, we ran
into someone who had just walked out of the pub where the Meet was
happening.
I should have known this wouldn't last.
It was suggested that finding a cheap (£10) hotel would be an
improvement on going home at 20:45 (My last train), so we went to the
local Backpackers place, which was totally full.
Bad.
They, however, were very helpful and booked me into a similar place,
giving me a leaflet with the name and address of the hotel on it, and
gave me the check in time, which was "before midnight".
So, Back to the meet, by way of most of Bath. We asked two people how
to get to the pub. When the pointed in opposite directions, we
realised this was going to be fun.
Anyway. Meet, Drinking, Geeking, Vommary galore. *fun* stuff.
At 10, LC had to wander off with parents.
At 11:15, I decided to go find my hotel.
Actually, At 11:15, I discovered that the leaflet with the address and
name of this hotel had gone. Completely.
So, I spent 45 minutes wandering around where I thought the map had
said, with no success, before realizing I was screwed. Next train home
was 08:00. It was now midnight.
The Long Wait:
Spent about an hour at the station until they locked it up.
At this point I got as far as "How..." of "How could this possibly get any worse" before it did.
And it started to rain.
Spent another hour sitting beside the river, explaining my life story
to it (More vocal exercises than anything else). Attempted to sort my
life into some kind of order. Wandered up the riverside path, sat
around for a while.
Wandered back again.
Found a bench with a street-light above it, finished my book.
Wandered back to the weir I'd been talking to earlier.
Wandered to the bus-station in search of a chocolate vending machine
I'd seen earlier, and by this time it was about 4am.
Started writing in my (Physical) diary, which, as it will *always* do,
even at 4am in a deserted bus station, prompted someone to come up and
try to talk to me.
Shot the breeze with him (name unknown) on the State Of The Transport
Network, and how terrible it was that he had to wait a whole 45
minutes for a bus home.
You can hear the sympathy oozing from me, can't you?
At 4:45 his bus left, and so did I.
Wandered back to the wier (It was nice there, shady from the rain, the
noise of the water keeping me from sleeping and either being robbed or
arrested for being a vagrant or something) and watched the sun rise.
Wandered around Bath for another couple of hours, caught the train to
Reading, Grabbed coffee, Train to Redhill, Train to The Fictional Town
of Paddock Wood, Walk Home.
Get home ~12:00
*sleep*
Yours in total sincerity,Aquarion D'Blue
Those who spoke on this:
Delurk post
(I had a post which I tended to use to Delurk on big newsgroups. It gets noticed fairly quickly. This is the latest revision, done for RHOD, posted 2000/04/22)The minds eye is an infinitely versatile object, capable of rendering objects that the most dedicated artist would find impossible to make look real. In dreams we see another reality, and it is in dreams where this post begins.
Imagine, if you will, the multiverse. A huge sphere of multicoloured points linked in ways our minds, conceived in one of these points, cannot possibly see. And yet there is something around it. A sprinkling of blue sparkles surrounds the entire area, around every point they eddy and swirl, gradually focusing on one point, pointing, leading, like iron fillings to a magnet, and onto one point they focus and the mind shifts perspective.
We are inside one of the points of the multiverse, one of the nodes, one of the universes. There are many more, governed by magic, words, or just the same more-or-less logical rules that bind our own universe together, for that is where we are. And the blue sparkles are here also, spinning and flowing towards another, smaller point, a swirl in the galaxy, and we zoom in further.
And further, though the clouds of stars, focusing on a string that is orbiting the galaxy in mindnumbing slowness, and yet travelling faster than many thought possible.
Onto a single star, orbited by 9 rocks of varying size, and as we circle the sun - as all the rocks do - we can see the sparkles head toward a single planet, a blue-green planet.
We spin past the lands, though the daytime, the evening and into the night, and in the darkness we focus on a small triangular country which for the sake of argument we shall call "England" and from there into the south-eastern corner, midway between the bright lights of the big city and the calmness of the sea to the south.
And closer do we zoom, to a single room, and a single computer, as the blue sparkles collate and solidify into a young male, typing at his keyboard. The figure of Aquarion, making his de-lurk post to RHOD.
Hi, I'm Aquarion, and I am to be your newest member for a while.
I love to say I have lurked lots, but in reality I followed people from AFDA a couple of days ago.
Yours in total sincerity, Aquarion
--
Web: http://www.Aquarionics.com
E-Mail: Aquarion-At-Aquarionics-Dot-Com
"Whenever Pavlov rang a bell, all the dogs attacked the nearest merangue"
Marmite
AFP, 2002-03-15
The simple thing is that, light of my life, Marmite is ikky. Marmite is a blot on the spec of a culinary horizon of spreads that rises over the mountains of "It's All Mine" Real Chocolate spread, though the wastelands of peanut butter, around the small puddles of sandwich spread[1] and flooding the valleys with a sheen of golden syrup glinting lightly in the sunset. Somewhere out in this metaphorical landscape is a pit of thick brown liquid that occasionally goes "gloop" horribly, it's only claim to fame being a brief appearance in a movie staring David Bowie. Marmite is the anti-spread, a single gram of it dropped into half a kilo of butter will render the entire pat useless for consumption by all those with more than one single properly functioning taste bud. Marmite is the very definition of evil, it's very colour a signal to nature to stay the hell away from it, nothing edible can be that colour. It's smell can drive grown men out of a house, it's taste causes ducks to swim *away* from bread. Even it's makers admit that you can make circus-freaks of the people who eat the stuff. It is Wrong, purely and simply. And the fact that you, darling, eat the stuff just confirms how good your taste in things is.
Now, if you excuse me, I think I'd better start running.
Yours in total sincerity,
Aquarion
(Lonecat's worst, or at least other, half)
[1] Sandwich spread was used in a great many TV dramas for when a character needed to throw something up. This is all you need to know about it.
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NNTP Licence
Subject: Re: [I] Prob'ly a stupid question...From: Aquarion
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett
On 23 May 2002 19:58:40 GMT, dicconf@radix.net (Richard Eney) wrote:
>In article
>Kevin Hackett
>
>>Cheers,
>> Kevin
>>I reserve intelligible copyright on these opinions
>
>What does "intelligible copyright" mean?
This post is licenced for dissemination to other news servers by means of the NNTP protocol as defined in RFCs 977 and 2980 provided it is quoted in whole or with minimal modifications as required by the specifications above, the content of this post may - in whole or in part - be reproduced under "fair use" for replys to this article, appling recursivly to enable this article to be quoted in future articles in this thread including, but not limited to, quotations used in the future refering to this topic and the thoughts expressed within it. Permission is also granted to store this article for public retrieval on the condition it remains attributed and unmodifed except as explained above, unless this post contains the header "X-NO-Archive" (case insensitive). The copyright of all original portions of this document remains with the poster as identified above, portions of the entire article may be copyrighted to another party, all trademarks that may be referenced are also acknowleged. Furthermore, all contact data contained in this post (including email addresses) is licenced for use only for correspondance, the 'harvesting' of this address for marketing purposes is strictly prohibbited. Each indervidual charector as an ascii stored bit may be reside in memory belonging to the owner of hardware, in which case the legal responsibility of this article, including deletion if found inflamitory can I stop doing this now or is anyone still reading this far, I mean it started off well, but I can't really go on typing this stuff, can I? eventually it turns into something like the default text for MS Publisher files, lorum ipso decoum est ipso lurmo groucho foo bar baz and indeed frek blah blah every alternate tuesday blur, blah blah blair blair thatcher gosh politics in a thread that could spell danger, it would probably be best if I stopped doing this now before I spend the next several lines going zootle wordle, so I conclude with the facts that portions of this document are invalid where void, and most of it should not be taken as legal in any way unless you really really want to get into all sorts of trouble, but the important thing is that the end of this must have LOTS AND LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS ABOUT THE "CONSUMER" HAVING ACCEPTED THIS LICENCE THE MOMENT THEY KNEW THE SOFTWARE EXISTED AND NOBODY HAVING ANY RIGHTS TO EVEN READ THIS LIENCE, CONTENTS VOID WHERE PROHIBITED, MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS.
Green Man Meet (2002-06-01)
It was a bright and sunny night.
No, hang on.
It was a dark and stormy summers... nope.
Hmm.
It was a day. Not a cold, miserable day. Nor a humid, drenched shirts day. No, this was an English bank holiday, sunny but with light breezes, and that means comfort.
Bright was the morning, and high the hope in my heart as I left the fictional town that I shall one day soon leave for good, in the hopes of getting to the smoke in time to meet LoneCat's train. In a move that shocked and stunned me, the British transport system got me to London early, I met LoneCat, and we toddled off to Regents Park station, where we met Simon Callan, and then up to Regents Park proper, where we met Meg, Karen, Rocky, and misc other people whose names shall be detailed later. (This is not a cop-out of an Aquarion being afraid of missing people out. Oh No. At all. Bah), and the Quest for the Meeting Spot began.
The quest began in a place of much mystical mysticism, the bottom of the circular road. It was suggested we went around the outside, but going though the middle was clearly quicker, and so the Map Committee[1] followed the path, and wandered through the scenic flowerbeds and slowly bronzing bodies littering the lawns of Regents Park. Then we turned around and went around the outside, because that was the only route to the meeting place.
[1] I am not taking *all* the stick for this one
Slowly, other people began to join us under the trees beside the bridge. There was Geekary of chainmail, there was Tennis, There were strawberries. There was a Frisbee, which was red. And there was a field with a locked gate.
If you can guess where the *first* throw of the Frisbee ended up, you get a bonus point. With the assistance of Bearded Swedes we retrieved it, and played for a while. As the game progressed a rubber turntable joined the thrown objects, as did a tiny blue Frisbee. And A Good Time Was Had By All.
There was also juggling.
When the hour of six approached, we were led like the careless sheep we all undoubtedly are to the basement of the Green Man, where there were drinks, bikkits (Thanks Kyle), Small Light sabres (thanks to Barry V), much talking, geeking, and stuff. There is a comprehensive list of people somewhere around, and I'm sure someone will post it.
This was not a meet report, it is just a framework for everyone else to comment on, so do so, here:
Thanks and kudos to all organisers as ever, and when's the next one?
Yours in total sincerity,
Aquarion De'blue
Painitude
(Note: "Does Pratchett Miss The Point" was an epic thread, spanning Alt.fan.pratchett and alt.books.tolkien. It was dull. It was boring, and a little while later, somone posted...)
On Wed, 24 Jul 2002 14:19:55 +0200, "Jens Murer">So, can anybody tell me in a simple, not more than 50 words post:
Yes.
>DOES Pratchett miss the point?
Depends.
Define "Point".
- The Tip (Normally Sharp) Of An Item.
- No, Terry doesn't miss the point. Even he, at some point in his life, will probably have cut himself on some sharp object.
If you define the point as "TOLKI3N I5 A G3NIUS! Y0U MUST NOT EVEN SUGGEST O7HERW1SE!!!!!!!!!!", then, yes, Terry misses your point, I think. They defeat the Evil Overlord by throwing his jewelry into a volcano. This Does Not Work In Real Life. Witness:
*ring*
*pickup*
Voice: "D'ya feel the painitude?"
OBL: "Wha?"[1]
Voice: "This is George W Bush of the United Stateizens Of America,
Mr Bin Lay-den, and I'm just phoning you to ask you if
you feel the pain right now?
OBL: "How did you find my number?"
GWB: "Yellow Pages"
OBL: "Damnation. I knew I should have gone ex-directory. What is
this 'Pain' thing, anyway?"
GWB: "Don't you feel it? Don't you feel your power, your absolute
and total power over your armies dwindling, shinking, your
massed warriors becoming useless to you? Your power, the thing
that makes you yourself, fading slowly away?"
OBL: "No. Should I?"
GWB: "You can't foolize me. We found your ring"
OBL: "What ring?"
GWB: "The ring you left in the cave"
OBL: "What did it look like?"
GWB: "About normal size. It's quite a plain ring really. It had a
pattern of a cloverleaf on it."
OBL: "Did it have writing on the inside"
GWB: "I don't know. We destroyedified it."
OBL: "YOU BASTARD! I MADE THAT IN METALWORK!"
GWB: "Yes! We have destroyed the source of all your power! The ring
you forgified yourself in the mountains of Doom!"
OBL: "How did you know I went to Doom Comprehensive?"
GWB: "We have your school records. Never did very well at RE, did
you? Now can you feel your power fading?"
OBL: "No, you 'merican scum. I shall destroy you!"
GWB: "Look, you evil person, you should have faded to a shadow of
your former self by now."
OBL: "You stupid, badly phrased, moron."
GWB: "I know you are, you said you are, so what am I?"
And we leave the call there, for there are some waters too deep to
wade.
Oh, the other possibility? I can't remember what it is now. Sorry.
[1] Reactions translated to protect the understanding.
Getting To Con Sessions
Message-ID: <45tbha.1fb.ln@10.1.0.2> From: AquarionNewsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett Subject: Re: [F] DWCon - Convention Update Date: Sat, 20 Jul 2002 15:45:22 +0100 On Fri, 19 Jul 2002 21:07:01 GMT, junk@bleurgh.net (MP) wrote: >On 19 Jul 2002 13:34:24 -0700, info@dwcon.org (Discworld Convention >2002) wrote: > > > >I have a query: is it normal to want to attend every single session at >the Con? I mean, every single one? >If so, how do you do it? I haven't enough time to clone me several >times... There is a saying. It goes as follows: "So many responses, so little time" So, we have cutlery on the moterway, three possible directions. Number One: The Harry Potter Reference. Number Two: The Dr Who Reference. Number Three: The one where I might actually have to work on a post. *tosses coin* *coin remains at apex of throw, spinning rapidly* So, Heads for option one. Tails for option two, and anything else for option three. (heh heh heh, this should be quick). *coin begins to dramatically tumble to earth. it lands on the soft ground.* Heads! *it bounces* Tails! *it turns into a small bowl of custard, accompanied with a very small piece of rubarb crumble* Bugger. Okay, it's very simple. As you enter the convention, to your left will be a person in a hat, it is vitally important that you turn right, and walk into the first event, then out, and right again into event two, at this junction take the northeast exit to the event sign posted Woolpit, and then west onto the hall of worlds, then right again to get onto the A25, from then the room with the third event will be on your right, the forth on your left when you take the fifth exit from the third room of the third panel. Then enter the blue police box, and ask nicely to be taken to a cafe where they serve nice tea, where you will meet a man with a birdcage over his second head who will give you the telephone number of an Islington flat where you will encounter an angel who will give you a small ebony statue of the beast of London, and point you to an exit where you will find yourself inside the next session. Take the right exit from there to find yourself on the Watzaup Dock where you can catch a barge up the slow river. In the saloon of the barge you will find the next session, but be sure to leave early so you can play the game of dice-dominos with the man from manchester who is in the cabin. When the boat stops, you will find yourself on a landing place inlaid alternately with hickory wood and wood from the d'cory tree which doesn't grow on these shores. Proceed up the Hickory/D'Cory dock until you see a rodent enter the chronometer, where you will find a woman with a rabbit tattooed on her shoulder who will present you to the next session. Keep following her until you reach the tunnel, then drink the potion on the table (Taking the key first!) until you can enter the door in the far wall. In the room beyond will the next session, which you can attend. When you exit that room, find the sandy-haired man with the big sword and the red-headed wife, and follow them to the next session. Another left, another trip through the hall of worlds (take the second door) kiss the blonde girl, but be sure not to let her stab you with the pointy stick, and run north until you get to the library where the next session is. Talk to the red-head about riding people like ponys, and she will cast a spell transferring you to another dimension. Again, beware of the pointy sticks, but also note that you can dehydrate from excessive drooling at the alternative version of the redhead. A swirling portal near the nightclub will take you back to the convention carpark, where the next session is, and then a man with long blonde hair in what appears to be an inflatable time machine will take you back to your original co-ordinates, and give you a hat. Walk into the convention, turn left, and put on the hat. Wait for a few minutes until you're sure you've already gone past, then spend the next weekend trying to remember which sessions you attended already, and then attend the ones you didn't. The only mandatory one is the speculation panel. Yours in total sincerity, Aquarion "Spot the reference" De'blue (Answers at http://www.aquarionics.com/afp/str.html)
On AFP, And Leaving it.
What is AFP?
At one stage, I was so completely fed up with AFP that I left. For about a month, in fact. I'm not sure anyone noticed. I did this in the thread "[I] I've forgotton how I got here - have you?, and even leaving the group took me 1800 words.
Chapter One:
At exactly 10am, the sun hit the precise position in the sky to filter down though the pen-sized hole in the ceiling and hit the mirror suspended below it, reflecting the light into the concave mirror strategically positioned to focus the beam of light though a lense and onto a thin piece of paper sitting on the desk, which immediately caught fire.
As the paper burned a spark lit up as the flames touched the trail of fuse-wire pinned though it, passing the flame down the wire towards the white object at the far corner while - unnoticed - the thin piece of paper was hit by a small gust of air and fell, still burning, into the waste-paper basket far below. As the spark capered joyfully along the carefully placed line of fuse, the small plume of smoke rising slowly from the metal bin began to fill outwards and darken as discarded ideas, fueled by an acclaimed imagination, became in their turn fuel for a far more natural and scientific study. That of the combustion of compressed wood-pulp.
As the spark of the fuse hit the white object, a "woomph" noise was heard in stereo as both the chemicals within it and the paper within the rubbish bin ignited into orange flame.
At exactly 10:12am, the smoke from the waste-paper bin filtered though the heavy duvet and into the nose of the figure asleep in his bed. waking quickly, he threw off the duvet, cast a water spell at the waste-paper basket, a wind spell at the window, and resolved to go back to bed until life was on his side again.
At 12:36, a hand reached from under the duvet, explored the contents of the bedside table, and withdrew back to the safety of it's cotton tent clutching a round object. A few seconds later, the hand returned, placed the clock back in it's place, collected a pair of glasses, and once more withdrew into the safety of the cloth dome.
Simon Merlin, mage, elemental, immortal, and late for work, arose,
Staggered into another room, mumbled "Water", and pointed at the
ceiling. A light cleansing rain fell upon his shoulders. Pure, clean,
natural, and above all cold.
"S S S Stop" stuttered Simon, shivering. he staggered back out of the
shower, though the puddles created by the less-than-watertight
wastepaper basket, removed the clothes he slept in, and went back into
the doorway to the shower.
"Heat" he spoke, and pointed at a point some three feet above his
head. A shimmering haze appeared where he was pointing.
"Water" he repeated, and a brand new shower appeared, filtering though
the warming haze and cascading over his body.
He washed, dressed, found a cup of tea, breakfasted, found a further cup of tea, realized he had missed all the lectures he had been time tabled to take today, and resolved to go on a Quest for the great fountain of knowledge.
It was traditional for a mage out upon his Weekend Quest to go forth to Mallets the supplier to purchase goods. And for the long and dangerous trek to the land of All-Father Pedant this was especially required, so Simon, mindful of this, entered the shop, the bell signaling to the shopkeeper within that a new customer was there to be served...
Chapter Two:
Supplies bought, Simon made his way to the Village Tavern, where he could find some Loveable Compatriots to help him on his Quest. It was mid-morning, but the inn was already thriving. As he watched, a young girl who couldn't be more than thirteen sneaked out from behind a piller and slit the purse of a merchant, laid out dead drunk on the table. "Loveable rogue with a Heart Of Gold?" thought Simon, "Nah, not this trip. Who else?" sitting in the corner, telling tales of wars long past was a scarred, but still quite young, man. "The superstrong fighter who can kill a hundred enemies single handed without anything more than a broken arm?" he considered the man "Oh, and probably some kind of weapon" he added.
"No." and his eyes continued to sweep the room. A young woman whose heavy hessian robe couldn't quite hide her hourglass figure and thick raven-black hair tried to catch his attention with her striking green eyes, but Simon had only just lost the last Rich Daughter Doomed To Marry Some Bastard he tried to help, and avoided eye-contact. The closest thing to a companion he could see was a black cat staring at him from the rafters, but a shimmer in the air around it reminded him that he was a mage already. Sorceresses would not be required. No, he decided. This quest would be done alone.
Simon stalked towards the Dynkwood. Spotting a useful tree, he pointed to it, and commanded "Fire". A tiny beam of pure heat nearly sliced the sapling down, and with the powers of the elements at his disposal, it wasn't long before Simon had made himself a serviceable staff. Deep orange in colour, it was, and criss-crossed with designs that looked almost like mystical symbols, but were more likely places where Simon had been less than careful with the beams of heat. He passed though the Dynkwoods quickly, never once straying from the path. At one stage he heard the sounds of an elven party somewhere in the woods, but convinced of the safety of his route, he kept to his path. Away from the giant woodlice that roamed this part of the world.
Before long, Simon reached the Mountains of Oblique, and he knew his quest was nearly at an end.
The mountains of Oblique loomed over Simon as he camped in the
foothills. he had only been here once seeking knowledge before, and
that had involved the relatively easy cave system under the Seven
Peeks. He doubted the quest would be that easy this time.
"I'm going to have to go the Other way, aren't I?" he spoke,
apparently, to a raven perched on a branch high above him.
"Nevermore" quoth the raven.
Simon glared at it, and the bird swooped down behind the tent.
"The problem with you, 'Simon'" it said, the raven's rough squawking
being slowly replaced by a female, and slightly superior, tone "is
that you only appreciate your own jokes".
"Hello Violet." said the Mage "What are you doing here?"
"Aha, direct to the point as always. And I answer your question with
another: How did you know it was me?"
"Vanity" said Simon, shortly.
"That wasn't an answer" replied Violet.
"Yours wasn't exactly high rated either. You're transformations tend
to the Ravenous"
"I like ravens. Noble birds"
"With deep purple feathers? Ravens are black"
"You aren't supposed to analyse every animal you meet"
"I've been working with you too long. Now, would you mind giving an
answer?"
"Forty-" began Violet
"Ravens don't fly with all their feathers burnt off. Not even pretty
purple ones"
"I'm not a raven now"
"Nor ever shall be?"
"You wouldn't dare"
"Oh, please." said Simon "Just give me an answer, if you have one"
"If you insist" replied the seer "Your quest will take you into the
mountains of Other, though the land of the powered wind, and into a
place where all are welcome, Mostly." And then, prophesy proclaimed,
she transformed back into a raven, and took off in the direction of
the Guild Hall. Simon fired a wind spell after her, partly to assist
her on her journey, but mostly to dissuade her from following as he
packed up his belongings and started up the long trail into the
mountains of Oblique.
His quest reached on for days, and he was thankful for the stores he had bought back in the town. Soon the trails he was covering were waist deep in snow, and without his fire-spells to keep him warm and the snow molten around him, he would surely have perished. He survived, though, and as the days stretched slowly into weeks he felt his goal was nearer with every step. Soon he had passed into the area of the Otherplace known as the Powered Winds, and one day, wearied by constant travel, he stumbled upon his goal.
The snow and wind were constant upon him now, and his once great powers were fading under the barrage of constant use he put them though. As he climbed the dirt track, he thought he heard the faintest sound of a tune on the wind. He almost tripped over the sign before he saw it, blown down by the storm.
"AFP" it said. "Please post carefully".
He trudged on up the road, both sides filled with houses for people who were in AFP, yet not part of the main party. But where was this main party? the further he climbed, the more snatches of music on the wind he heard, and soon he could see it before him.
The building was large, and obviously older than it's current incarnation. The Tudor stylings of the lower walls betrayed it's age, but by the size and mismatched extensions and revisions, this was obviously a building that had seen much use. From the windows golden light spilt out and brilliantly lit roughly rectangular patches of snow outside. As he watched, the front door was flung open and a creature was flung out of it, with many cries of "Find a new bridge to lurk under" as it scampered away into the darkness. This was the place he had been searching for. The legendary lost land of AFP.
Simon entered the building.
Chapter Three:
The building was big. Far bigger than it had looked from the outside.
This was partly because the floor level was some six feet below the
door. Fortunately the management had provided stairs for this purpose,
and Simon descended them slowly.
The first thing that hit him was the heat. After the freezing snow and
sleet from the world outside, the warmth in here was almost
unbearable. The second was the light. From hundreds of candles
scattered around the room, and a blazing fireplace set in the wall to
his left, the varnished floorboards looked golden in the soft, dancing
light. The hall was filled with tables. Literally, filled. To the
point where it was not easy to make your way across the room without
asking people to move chairs, or tails, or selves.
Which was another point. Although mostly human, the people within ranged from a dragon in the corner, to cats, mice, hamsters, moles, beings of every size and shape. And above were the balconies, packed with more people, looking down and observing the crowds below without ever making a contribution. The room was bright, and it was warm, and it looked friendly, so long as you didn't look too close.
But the noise was almost unbearable. The noise of half a thousand people and animals talking, some loudly so they could be heard, some softly and at length, letting the power of the words carry the argument. At one side was a notice board, advertising forthcoming events and attractions. Somewhere to the right a merchant who appeared to be trying to give people tin cans was being jumped up and down upon by a hamster wearing chain mail, to quite noticeable effect, in fact.
Bewildered, Simon made his way to the bar running along the nearest
side.
"Welcome to The Buggered Hedgehog" said the barman. "My name is
William Fitzsackett, what can I get you?"
"You work here?" said Simon.
"No" said William. "I just run the bar."
Simon asked for a pint of ale, and was rewarded with one of the best
pints he had ever tasted. He turn to thank Fitzsackett, but he was
already arguing with another inhabitant over the definition of a Girly
Drink. Mentally preparing himself for an attempt at his quest, Simon
turned to the crowd, and said, quite softly
"Hello, my name is Simon"
The reaction was immediate. Whilst most of the people continued with
whatever discussions they were involved in, a fairly large number
decended upon the mage, giving him hugs, chocolate, and small black
balls which he assumed he was supposed to eat. At one point someone
threw a stuffed alligator at him, bit somewhere between the thrower
and Simon, the animal was deflected onto the fire.
Buoyed by this positive reaction, Simon asked a question.
To say there was silence would be incorrect, since the noise inside
was enough to deafen most people, but to Simon, who was listening only
for a response to his query, there was silence none the less.
Slightly bewildered, Simon asked his question again, slightly louder.
Again, no answer was the only reply.
Slightly dis hearted, Simon wandered around the hall, catching snatches of conversation as he went. At a couple of tables, he sat for a moment, and joined in for a bit. After a while, overwhelmed by the noise, and the heat, and the light, and the inability to make a single tiny dent in the group dynamic, Simon Merlin climbed the stairs and went outside.
It had stopped snowing. So he went home.
Epilogue
Simon came back, eventually, and stayed for long enough to be recognized as a regular in the bar on the oft-times he wandered afar. Eventually the heat didn't seem quite so intense, and the conversations not quite so friendly. So he left the bar for a while, hoping to return one day and see the place as new again.
The End
I left. Nothing changed, I was still depressed, I was still not getting anything done. So I looked back, to see if anyone had replied to the story (Nobody ever replys to creative things, this is one of the major reasons I left, because I was throwing stuff into an abyss)
They had. I didn't last long after that, and returned. This is the post that brought me back.
Mary Messall writes:
Mar^W Um, Penelope, watched sadly. The daughter of a local tanner, she had discovered the tavern when she was still quite young, and retreated there often to escape the smells of home. She took the extraordinary place itself for granted, having more or less grown up in it, and was less aware of its now familiar colour and noise and atmosphere, than of the individual people (or creatures) who frequented it, and their stories. She had come to look forward to Simon's visits, and thought the evenings would be less pleasant without his voice. She took a sip of her half-pint, and watched two brightly coloured birds in the corner peck and squawk at one another. The noise, to which she was well accustomed, did not bother her, but the laughter and song and dull roar of enthusiastic conversation which normally swelled above it were quieter just then, and that semi-silence, and the *absense* of a few specific voices, she did notice, and regret. In her experience, however, this relative quietude never lasted long, so she curled her sandalled feet (she wore sandals year round, even in the snow) round the legs of her bar stool, peered through the amber liquid in her glass at her companions and tried again to learn to flip beermats off the edge of the table. Which is to say, she waited.
At some point, I'll either tell Mary this, or she will read it. Either is possible, I suppose.
Aquarion Of AFP. 8th August 2002, Cambridge.That's interesting
I went to Bath yesterday. This was a more important trip than it seems for several reasons. The first is merely the most obvious: I was terrified.
Bath is a wonderful, beautiful city. I could spend hours wandering around taking photographs, content to let it wash over me. I've spent hours in coffeeshops planing stories there, it inspires me, and it makes me want to live there. Bath is wonderful. Bath is great.
Bath terrifes me more than anything else I know.
On the 11th of August 2001, there was an Alt.fan.pratchett meet in Bath which I went to. The results of that evening are detailed in this Article but, to summerise, various events meant I spent the night of the 11th sleeping on a park bench because I had no money, lost my hotel and there were no trains back. I've been to Bath several times since then, because LoneCat lived there and so a) My desire to see my girlfriend overroad my terror and b) I had a confirmed place to stay. Yesterday I went there, however, in order to stay at a hotel. So I was terrified.
Also, I was angry, which wasn't helping.
After one of the reactions to the story I put online on Sunday, I was - and still am - considering closing the fiction section of Aquarionics permenantly. Within a few short paragraphs, this person managed to do what several years of shouting into black holes has failed to do, and stop me writing. There will not be a story on Sunday. There will not be a christmas pantomime, because all faith I have in my writing has just been shot to pieces, and it's going to take me a while to recover. I'm not going to even argue about the difference between basing a charector on how you'd react and a Mary Sue. If you don't belive there is one, I would ask you do to do me the great honour of fucking off right now. I'm not even going to start on the reasons why "That's $foo" (where $foo is an author) is insulting no matter who $foo is, because the one thing worse than being told your writing sucks is being told that you've stolen it from someone else.
Given a choice of one thing to put on an "Occupation" form, I tend towards "Writer" - unless they want to know what I'm being paid for - simply because it's a description of what I am as apposed to what I do. I write things. My life is scripted, sometimes as much as three seconds ahead. What I do have is an inferiority complex the size of Belgium. It's taken me ten years to come to the conclusion that some people might enjoy stuff I write, it doesn't take much to knock me back again, so I'm not going to open myself up to it again. Once upon a time, I begged the world for feedback. I hereby retract that statement, and instead clarify it as "constructive feedback", as in "Will help build it".
Where was I? Ah, Bath.
So I left work two hours early, spent an hour and a half waiting for the bus, and got home in time to miss the train I wanted to get. Got the next one, went to Bath, and met LoneCat and the out-laws at the station. Went to B&B, slept, and went on the freezing morrow to watch my girlfriend get her Masters. (Now, if I wasn't employed right now, this fact alone would send the inferiority thing back to the state it was last summer, and I *lost* last summer to all intents and purposes, but I digress.) Sat though ceremony. Ceremony boiled down: "Blah blah, Bath Uni is great, blah blah £70 Million development blah blah Bath uni is great, blah blah, pomp, ceremony, paper, blah blah, Bath uni is great, Swindon is also great, blah blah National Anthem"
Then I bought gloves, a hat, and a scarf because they were on special offer, and caught the train home, having been given a Bath Bun, which was very nice. I read my book until Paddington, where I pulled the CD player and headphones out of my bag... and broke the plug off. So I read my book to Kings Cross, and again to Cambridge, where I finished it about 45 minutes before we got there. I then realised I didn't have my house keys, and phoned home to see if ccooke was there. He wasn't. He said he might not be. So I phoned LoneCat to see if she had got home. LoneCat was staying in Bedford for dinner. Hmm. So I phoned ccooke's mobile. He was the other side of Cambridge. So I phoned our letting agency, who said that they would send someone with the key. Then that they didn't have the key, but they'd send the person with the key to our house, but it would cost me £10. By this time I'd been waiting outside our front door for 20 minutes, and was *really* glad for the gloves, scarf and hat. So I didn't need to be scared of Bath. Just of Cambridge...
Those who spoke on this:
Itai:
Ah, comments! Can’t help fiddling with a new toy.
As regards your story, I beg to differ [1] – I very thoroughly enjoyed your short story [2]
[1] Well, not actually beg, begging being defined as asking for permission to do something, which as far as I’m concerned is a lengthy, uncomely process with which I have never bothered in my life.
[2] ‘Thoroughl ‘ being loosely defined as: ‘read it, absurdly didn’t realize what you were talking about, until, some time later, realization dawned’. This quite clearly has nothing to do with your writing. Personally, I blame it on alien mind-control devices.
Galleria
New galleries of photographs for both the little.red.meet and the Marco Meet
Those who spoke on this:
Marco:
“Oh, look, I’ve got red eye on the other eye! Sorry, not so much Terminator as demonic possession.”
I think it was you wot said that…
And I thank you muchly for not putting up the Cossack Dance (the bribe is in the mail).
Vaughan:
And there’s more gratuitous shots of pork pies over at Wherever You Are. Ooh mummy, make it stop.
Karen:
Ah, some flatteringly soft focus shots of me looking extremely pissed. Lovely.
Mind The Gap
Burningbird spoke today on the subject of the gap between virtual and real life. I may be alone in this, but I don’t draw that line.
It’s partly due to my history. I started going to Internet meets at 17 (A Usenet group – the same one who I met Stuart, Paul, Nick, gilmae, Jason, and seemingly half my blogroll though) and went to many meets, then joined the other group (Alt.fan.pratchett) achieved the state of local god of chocolate and Bailey’s (always useful) and went to AFP meets, conventions, and marriages. I met my wonderful girlfriend (who’s diary is back online) though the group too.
So when the UKBlogs meet happened, I tagged along, met some new people, had fun, and drank beer.
My parents read this weblog. My brothers both read it occasionally, and comment slightly less occasionally (The unexplained “Ben” who appears in the comments section every so often is my brother), and when I discovered this I was a little freaked out for a second. Yes, I do write differently knowing that my mum’s probably going to read this at some stage, but I’m reasonably sure that’s a Good Thing. Recently especially, Aquarionics has been my main reference when looking for employment, and I’ve been extremely glad that for the last year or so (Or in fact since I left Uni) there is less stuff that will pop up “This person is insane” flags in the head of the reader. I’m no less opinionated (I’m not really opinionated at all, except on a few subjects, which is probably why I’ll never be A-List), but I’m also less likely to post things that’ll be able to be used as weapons against me later, with the notable and exceptional exception of the poetry.
There is also the great spectre of the horrible “Online Friends” distinction. Yes, you are likely to know a different version of me though my weblog than in real life (It’s not too far, however. My writing style is close enough to my speaking style that I’ve been complained at by people who know me for them to be able to hear me saying every sentence). Me in real life is slightly more theatrical, less geeky, and more vocally deft than my online style dictates. There is a distinction between online and virtual friends, mostly the same as a pen-pal. You may know each other’s thought processes better than a ‘Normal’ friend (People tend to think differently in text, and explain more) but without the shared experiences. Not better, just different.
The idea, however, that a friend you met online is somehow less of a real friend than anyone you meet at a nightclub (“There aren’t any real people here at all” – DNA) is somewhat ludicrous.
Personally, I find actually meeting people to be a Good Thing. The only danger I’ve ever found is the temptation for Those Who Meet Up to become something of a clique within the larger group, but with the multi-million cliques that divide the weblog community already, who’d notice?
Those who spoke on this:
Karen:
That’s true, in fact… you’re one of the few people who I find in real life to be very like the person portrayed on your weblog.
Mum:
You don’t know how scared I was when you were 17 and going to your first meet yes I know now that they’re normal people but five years ago – well
Sarabian:
I’m sure there was someone there who was normal.
Not sure I spoke to them though :)
Making a list, checking it twice
Since LoneCat and Adrian have both put up lists of “Stuff they are taking to CCDE” (CCDE being the event half the people I know are going to this weekend. We shall be in a field, camping) I decided to put my list up:
Aquarion’s List Of Stuff Wot He Should Take To CCDE:
- Clothes
- Sleeping Bag
- Money
- Aquarion
Of course, this is heavily biased to the fact that I’m going with LC, who – as you can see above – is quite prepared enough for the both of us.
Work is… interesting. For various reasons, I’ve been working alone all week (Either from home or in the office, where the CEO has been out in meetings or just out) and I’ve started the coding on The Project. This means that I’ve had to set some precidents about how we’re doing things (Mostly based on how I do things) which is slightly worrying, since I have a feeling I’m going to be recoding everything again. It’s also worrying that I’m the person opening up and locking up, since I’m sure I’m going to walk in one morning and discover I did something really stupid like leave the window open.
Life Goes On…
- 2003-07-31 23:42:09
- By Aquarion
- From Catrion Towers, Reading
- More Journal Entries
- Filed under AFP, 2003 & BrowserAngel
CCDE 2003
CCDE, the Clarecraft Discworld Event, is basically where a group of people camp in a field for three days. It's fun, these are my photos.
Aquarius:
I have to applaud the title of this. Clever. Especially given that it was raining.
Sounds like a fairly ghastly experience. Then again, it’s the sort of thing that adds colour to your life, if not your cheeks. You now have a minutely detailed knowledge of Bath public transport stations when they’re closed, which is more than most people can say. And you got to stay up all night, which should probably make you feel young and free and instead merely made you feel tired and cold.
Is the physical diary actually (shudder) pen and paper? Or some kind of electronic gadget like a Palm?